“With everything that’s in my control I can make myself seem like someone that doesn’t have an abnormal life and I try that everyday. Everyday its like how do I make myself among my friends and family and loved ones not see this big elephant in the room for our normal life. because I don’t want the elephant in the room.”
I feel that elephant shackled to me every move I make since the diagnosis.
Although the context is completely different the words from an interview with Taylor Swift really resonated with how having cancer can feel. I’m constantly trying to trick my brain out of the fight or flight state terminal illness can trigger and just live normally. Breathe and let the weight fall off my shoulders, but when I finally do that damn elephants looking me dead in the eye.
Even my happy moments feel tainted with this underlying angst, a guilt for not enjoying the moment more, having more energy for it, or not being able to indulge in food or drinks I know are no longer ok for me, or the sadness of wondering if a moment like that will come again in the unsettling roulette I call my future.
I can feel it when others are trying not to look at my elephant, trying their best to ignore his intrusive presence, wondering what fate caused these hand cuffs to lock in the first place. I hate that he takes up so much space in my relationships now, he butts in everywhere no matter how hard I try to keep him out. I try to go on dates and leave him at home but he always finds me, I thought I could outsmart him, ignore him away, manifest a reality where no elephants are allowed but its no use, elephants have memories that can’t be undone or forgotten.
So I meet new people who don’t know my elephant and for a moment I get to be brand new again but eventually they learn to see him too, when you have an elephant as an unwanted pet I guess there’s only so much you can do.
If you’re going to be in my life now there’s a certain amount that comes with it that I cant stop from happening. I cant stop bad news from coming, or that there’s inevitably going to be some really highs and lows coming, I cant stop the pain that comes from being close with someone who’s sick.
But there is a lot I can control and I’m getting better at it so I hope that is enough to block out the things that I can’t.