It was a rough one last night, but I cant say I didn’t deserve it in a sense. Ive been over compensating my stress, anxiety and feelings into an unhealthy diet that enables my sugar addition that feeds my cancer. You’d think it’d be really easy to just…. not do the things that we know kill us? Especially with our necks already on the chopping block. But the truth is we want comfort more than we want most any other thing. The comfort of love, of acceptance, of embrace and community and when we feel void of that, its a black hole we will sell our souls to fill.
On one hand Ive been so stoked having David on the boat visiting this week, hes been so helpful and pleasant to have around, flexible and adaptable, I really can’t ask for a better roommate. Hes also coming at a time where I’ve felt extremely lonesome which ironically pushes me to self isolate more, so it’s been nice to have some interaction to push me out of that headspace.
On the other I appreciate the distraction but I have so much weight on my shoulders I feel an immense guilt in diverting attention from. My boat projects have been piling up and a water/power issue I’ve been having since I got back has me feeling completely defeated and without even fans or ice in the dead heat of Florida. Not to mention its the middle of hurricane season and Im still having issues with my damn Volvos, but if I think about that I’ll have a whole new spiral so moving on….
Life didn’t pause for the 8 months I took to process my condition and it’s really coming back around to kick me in the ass now.
So, like I said, Ive kinda been eating my feelings the last week calling it “celebrating” under the Davids vacation umbrella but I know better and I’m just using it as an excuse to segway into my unhealthy coping mechanism. At first, I started eating poorly because it scared me how much and how fast I was losing weight and that I couldn’t control it. I now see that unhealthy sugar weight back on me and know I did myself no favors.
Yesterday my body put a complete halt to eating, Ive barely been able to keep water down. Looks like I’m fasting and will use it to get back on diet track. I will say, it motivated me in all sorts of ways to get my power issue sorted because losing fans on a night with no wind while you’re in the middle of en extreme fever is just not it. I’m not sure if its a Florida heat thing or sickness related but Ive never vomited such extremely hot liquid, and Im not talking acidic. I drank cold water and it was about 40 degree difference after being in my body.
Im very much so in the mindset that I dont want to make this part of my life harder than it needs to be, and living on a boat is a frustrating, difficult and constantly more challenging way of life. I understand this, but what this life gives back to me mentally is unmatched. I just need to get the last few pushes to get the boat up to shape and OUT of boot key!
I love Marathon, it’ll always be my home port but it’s definitely past time for me to move on. The social situations Ive encountered here have taken a very negative effect on my mental health that I still struggle here daily with. Most of my friends have moved on and its time for me to do the same. If only Walrus would cut me some slack.
Hoping this sickness passes soon and I can get another push done. It is David’s last day here so I need to muster some energy and make the best out of this day.